I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
