I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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