Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
