rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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