toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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