He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
