I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
