Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
