then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
