Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
