I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize