I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
