"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize