I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
