Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
