theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
