Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
