And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
