She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
