i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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