You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize