my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
