Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
