My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
