You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
