me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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