Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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