Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
