forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
