I wish they made helmets for livers.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
