You smell like a Billy Joel song
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You pole danced in your parka.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He did a backflip because drugs
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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