I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
