remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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