There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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