You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
