Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
