Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
