I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
