I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
