I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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