Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
