every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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