Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
