my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
