I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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