Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
