One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
