Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
