i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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