He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
