I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
