There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize